When My Shady Lover Describes Me As…

…such a mystical ninja assassin, trained from birth as a bad ass nut-crunching iron lady, raised from the most ferocious and warlike culture in Mommylandia. Pretty much, the most face-rockingly hardcore bastard to ever beat the shit out of you. She is like a psycho insane and a mead-swinging berserk-er. She has a phoenix tattoo at her back as if she can call upon when she is really pissed and turn every little motherfucker to ashes. You might probably envision this like a scene in X-Men movie where Jean Grey is about to went haywire with a background music by Pantera tearing your eardrums off. 

She’s like a woman constructed out of the adamantium (the hardest metal in Marvel Universe Kids!), plating hand-shredded off from the almost-dead body of Wolverine.  She is a fearsome beast with fangs with the size of skyscrapers that were poisonous enough to kill the gods themselves. She always seems carrying a frightening collection of axes, staves, clubs, weed whackers, hedge trimmers, garden rakes, rubber hoses, and pitchforks. Bazooka, AK47’s, Modified Carbine, and a slingshot for safe measure. She’s as tough as hell, pretty capable of using any projectile weapon that her hands can get to deal out massive extinction of the human race.  She is resourceful as Macgyver which is another key component of her badassery. It takes serious ovarian fortitude to dig that! I actually see her being someone who could either kick-my-ass or kill-me-without-blinking. With this, she got me in line, though I know I appreciate much of a scantily clad back flipping women with huge breasts and perfect hair, like any other testosterone-driven male.

The most daunting thing about Emma is that she’s virtually indestructible, and her scaled hide armor is tougher to penetrate than a home-schooled Mormon chick.  Tank shells, surface-to-air missiles, and armored-piercing ammunition only succeed in making her angry. It seems like even shooting her in the fucking face with a nuclear warhead only makes her even more powerful because she sucks up radiation like a Geiger counter in Chernobyl and it has roughly the same effect on her as if she drank the contents of a gasoline tanker filled with Red Bull, Viagra and pure Colombian cocaine.  I wonder she maybe gets randomly struck by lightning once in a while for no reason, and next thing you know, she’s fucking shooting bolts of electricity out of his hands like a malfunctioning stun gun or a 5th-Level Evoker.

I would imagine the first day we met, she’s like triumphantly standing on top of a massive heaping pile of dead enemies. She got a mad-like Bruce Lee’s Kung Fu skills that when she glares at you she delivers more force than the demonic love-child of an F5 tornado, a 10.5 Earthquake and a Category 5 Hurricane …and if that doesn’t knock the living daylight off of you,  she shoots a giant beam of blue atomic energy out of his mouth and burns the fucking shit out of anything she wants with more effectiveness than a Disintegration Ray.  She is like the embodiment of fear and despair that she will drink your tears and feed on your soul …so CRY BITCHES!”

…is such overwhelming analogy, but this I say… over the course of our time together, it is true that we’ve put each other through a lot. That includes harsh words like we almost declare a world war, planning how to assassinate each other. Debate, cheap shots, a punch to the face, kicked each others’ ass, regrettable actions, skirmishes …you wish!

And I never really thought that these DESCRIPTIONS will all be possible when you love but betrayed by a shady guy. 

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