I had the worst Christmas celebration last year. The time everyone thought as the best time of the year where one could ring bells, make her Christmas lists or wait for Santa’s gifts under the mistletoe became a season of weariness and a slice of heartache for me.
This is not again another version of an unrequited feeling from that person I’ve mentioned in the title. Rather, this is a revelation of what I’ve felt and how things went on, how I viewed them and how I wished things would have been and would be in the future.
All my life I’ve been the so called conformist of the society. I see things to be in the natural order. And I made a vow to spent my life the way others or the majority would spent theirs. I was even in disgust if I see, meet or know someone or a group in a ‘deviant’ way. To hell with what’s happening to them! For me, life should be what we were taught it would be- a backward, subjective, selfish and baseless kind of life.
When I entered UP, I set the notion that I will took the place as a great environment for harnessing my talents, for developing my craft and for excelling in academics. I won’t be a student- activist, won’t be a good for nothing bum. But even before I entered UP, when I was still in my elementary days or highschool days, I already ambitioned to be just normal. I won’t be what the society doesn’t favor. And that includes falling in love with a much older man- worst is with your teacher.
Oh, yes after that long and mushy intro, the catch finally comes here. You’ve read it right. Getting to like that person who feeds you theories, concepts and ideas inside the four walls of the school, I thought happens only in movies or romance novels. Maybe others fall to the trap. But not me. I am different. I am me. Or was I?
I think twisting your views does not make a lesser you. In fact, you are just trying to be yourself. Being a student activist is not bad at all, I’ve learned. Being homo or bisexuals provides happiness for others for they set themselves free. Liking your mentor is not a “yucky” feeling at all. Maybe because it is really true that the most beautiful things in the world are those that cannot be seen nor heard but just felt in the heart. The happiness they bring us gives an excuse to allow such things.
However, I do not want to consent everyone to make their happiness as always the reason to allow these things. Someone would be happier if we still look at things with logic.
Talking about this logic brought me to my own self- exile last year. Flirting with him casted lots of troubles. Everything was still cool until a practical joke was played on.
My classmates had this Christmas cringles where we would be giving our manitos or manitas their most desired gift. I declared to have a book with a dedication from him as the most significant thing to received on yuletide season.
Then, we had the exchanging of gifts. I thought I received the greatest Christmas gift of my life. Well, I did. Only to find out that the author of the message was fake. It wasn’t from him. I found it after I asked him.
The story went on and on. And I realized, I was already hurt. Maybe because I liked him.
I know for a fact that nobody really intended the deception. The people who did that maybe only wanted me to be happy. And I think liking him is not yet the greatest mistake.
I have no grudges against whoever. But I could not help but sigh, ” bakit naman ganun…” It’s more of a statement than of a question.
I cried. It’s not primarily because I did not received what I wanted but because I think, somehow, I cannot already retrieve the once wonderful friendship I had with him.
Classes are on going. And the thought of seeing him in the school premises brings me confusion on how to deal.
“…The time has come
for closing books and long last looks must end
And as I leave
I know that I am leaving my best friend
A friend who taught me right from wrong
and weak from strong
That’s a lot to learn. (a lot are two words)…
But how do you thank someone
who has taken you from crayons to perfume
It isn’t easy but I’ll try
If you wanted the sky I would write
across the sky in letters that would show
A thousand feet high
To Sir with love”
Written by urbanagirl, edited by mananalaysay and first appeared on www.peyups.com on 7th October 2004.