March 15th, 2010 was definitely a day to remember. If there is one day that was responsible for the Beginning of the End, as I call it in my personal calendar, this day was it. It was the day that I had the Doctor’s appointment for my Physical. It was after this day when the two of them started their physical affair which lasted about 2 weeks, and according to him, they had sex together four times.
When my world came crashing down on me, I blamed myself for not making the appointment sooner. I was supposed to have my Physical in January but stupid, stupid me, I procrastinated for a whole month and made the call for the appointment then. He had told me once that if my personal changes had happened even a month sooner, none of the affair would even existed. I regretted that fact tremendously but he regretted it even more.
What makes me pissed off is that during those 2 weeks, I was cheated on and lied to right to my face. On some mornings they would meet up to work out together, sometimes at the office Gym and sometimes at her place. Sometimes to work out and sometimes to fuck? Fucking shit man, this pisses me off!! And during lunch time they would run back to her apartment so they can have an afternoon delight? Fuck!! Why do people cheat? How could they?? Why couldn’t you just fucking tell your spouse how unhappy you are in the marriage and walk out??! Give me that a million times over instead of this cheating bullshit!
That weekend following the Doc Appt, my husband and I actually met up with that idiot woman and their friends from work and hung out at a bar. I remember it was a very nice and warm Saturday afternoon. During lunch, she sat next to a friend, across from him, and even pointed her seat away from me and only would talk towards him and away from me. Even after lunch when we went to another bar, she never once made an effort to talk to me. The bitch knew she was doing something so fucked up and couldn’t even look at me in the eyes. I should have known…
Looking back, we were slipping away farther and farther from each other during those weeks. He had mentally checked out of our marriage and believed that we were OVER. He wanted nothing more than to be happy in his life, and so he found instant happiness with her. At the time, he didn’t think he owed me the courtesy of letting me go, before starting the full blown affair with her. He didn’t think he owed me anything to the woman that has contributed to many of his unhappy years.
March 18th was the anniversary of my father’s passing. Then, I would retreat myself from him, dealt with my depressed feelings all by myself, and so it was easy to not realize what was really going on between us.
By March 31st, I received the results of my Physical in the mail. The doctor’s office even called to tell me that for one of the tests, I had gotten a positive result. It was nothing big, or life changing disease like cancer, but it was serious enough for me to worry. I spent a whole day at work researching it and that same night I made a conscious decision to change how I live my life. I realized that if I was diagnosed with a terminal disease, this was not how I want people to think of me. That same night I talked to my husband, really talk to him, for the first time in a long time, about changing myself. That was a Wednesday night, and the conversation continued on Thursday night and all weekend long. Oh yeah, except for Friday night however, because we all, yes including her and the office friends again, went out for dinner and then karaoke. And looking back, she could not muster the courage to talk to me, even for some small talk, or to look me in the eyes. How can they lie so blatantly, and pretended that nothing sickening is going on between the two of them.
The funny thing was, I remembered this so clearly, on that Saturday night I actually asked my husband, as we were hugging, crying and re-discovering each other in the bathroom of all places, if there’s anything going on between him and that woman. My gut instinct must have just kicked in then. It was the combination of his crying and the fact that every so often he would give details about her to me, as if he was already preparing me for that inevitable D-day; that it was OK that he cheated on me with her because of all those good things he told me about her. He quickly smiled and said no, “Nothing is going on between us”. Sigh…
The following Monday morning, the day which I will now remember for the rest of my life, was my appointment with another doctor for a second opinion. Oh! How happy I was when he picked me up from the doctor’s office. I immediately told him that the doctor said that my body will get rid of the virus naturally and that I had nothing to worry about. Even better, we can still plan on trying for a baby even with the diagnosis! He could clearly see the hope and happiness in me and then he couldn’t contain himself any longer. Tears started rolling down his face and he couldn’t stop crying. I was thoroughly confused because they did not look like the tears of joy, in fact, I could see so much sadness in his eyes. I kept asking what was wrong but he just shook his head. After some time, he stopped crying and said that he needed to go to work and told me not to worry. I think he said, “everything will be fine”. I can’t really remember.
When I got to work that afternoon, I had the strangest and the most uneasy feeling. I started to have bad thoughts so I told him I couldn’t be at work any longer and I just had to go home. He said he will do the same and meet me there. Well, that evening, as some of us already know, was the END of everything. It was the death of 11 years or marriage; it was the death of me. The old me died with his news and I can never be the same. Things will never be the same.
This is all I can do tonight. D-Day is rapidly approaching and I’ll purge more when the time comes.