The Artificial Woes

‘I still say you order one on Ebay. With red ribbons and silver wrap, and even, heh, a little tinkly bell on the neck. Wouldn’t that be nice? Very convenient, too. Delivered on your doorstep, February 14th.’
‘And how would I do that?’
‘Tsk, tsk. Do I have to solve all your problems for you? Are you not computer-literate?’
‘Shut up.’

‘I still say he deserves a B. A very weak one at that.’
‘But you’re abnormal. You don’t see people right.’
Sigh. ‘A B plus then. And that’s with my glasses on.’
‘Hopeless. He’s definitely an A.’
‘C’mon. He’s not that hot!’
‘You weren’t’, hiss, ’supposed to say that out loud.’
‘It’s a free country. If he thinks we’re talking about him, he’s an arrogant jerk.’
‘He’s looking at you now!’
‘What did I tell you? Jerk.’

‘I still say you stop setting her up with anyone. She just broke off with her stupid fiancé, for God’s sake.’
‘Exactly!’
‘Don’t go all South Park on me. She needs time. It’s true. You know how I hate saying this stupid crap.’
‘Imagine that.
‘Well?’
‘Time is an illusion.’
‘Oh, yeah? Tell Ms. Lowe that when you get to Chemistry late.’
‘Oh fudge it.’

‘I still say you soak it all up and get yourself to a nunnery this Valentine’s. There’s nothing in it for you. None in it for me, either but I’m not complaining. ’
‘A nunnery? What’s a nunnery? Do you realize how alien you sound?’
‘Hamlet. Don’t you read Hamlet?’
‘Only aliens read Hamlet!’
‘Whatever you say. Anyway, think about it. I’m wearing black on Valentine’s Day.’

‘I still say—’
‘Miriam, you’re gonna have to think twice before saying that phrase, oh I don’t know, fifteen more times!’
‘Is it because you’re still hung up on the Elektra thing? I suppose I shouldn’t have argued you about that. But I told you, Elektra’s Greek. She’s not supposed to speak English.’
‘God. It was a movie! Listen, digest this slowly: It…was…a…movie. Another name for history twisted in the most bizarre and tasteless way possible. There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?’
‘But I still say—’
‘Argggh.’

‘Well, actually. I kind of conveniently forgot that she was a comic character.’
‘No sh*t. You were harping on her the whole day yesterday, after all.
‘Do you really have to swear? It’s most unbecoming.’
‘God. Most unbecoming. We still say that phrase in this century.’

‘I still say all roads lead to the wonders of media advertising.’
‘But they don’t sell humans at Ebay, Miriam. Much less perfect boyfriends.’
‘How would you truly, possibly know that for a fact? Hello, Black Market?’
‘Which leads to me to another point, the site isn’t black market. It’s a perfectly legal operation.’
‘And how would you also truly, possibly know that for a fact? Parallel universes, haven’t you heard? Otherworldly dimensions, string theory–’
‘Yes, yes. Go skip to your own little world. I’m sure it’s a very happy place. Do tell me when you get back.’

‘I still say it’s possible.’
‘For me to have a boyfriend?’
‘No, silly. Parallel universes, otherworldly dimensions, string theory–’

“Mff—“
“Don’t even think about it.’
‘Mff haff m gadd.’
‘Yes, I have you gagged. For God’s sake, act like you are.’


Written by linchpin, edited by mananalaysay and first appeared on www.peyups.com on 23rd June 2005.

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