This story is about you and that boy. The boy with the dreamy brown eyes who looked at you with so much melancholy on those lazy afternoons you shared back in the past. He made you coffee and cooked dinner for you. He would lend you his big shirts when you came over for barbecue parties, shirts which were so comfortable you would have liked to keep all of them. He made you laugh, made you feel poetic. He lived in a romantic world, and he took you with him. You just forgot to bring the ticket so you were dropped off from the bus and was made to walk back home alone.
He used to worship the ground you walked on. He used to pluck flowers for you in the sidewalk. Played basketball with you under the rain, and made you sleep on his bed when you’re drunk. He was perfect. He was beautiful, and mysterious, and so sad at times that you wanted to protect him from the bad memories, which haunt him on his sleep. You used to want to kiss his lips when he made an effort to laugh at your jokes. You wanted to hold him longer than the hugs you occasionally shared, but you never had a chance to. You chickened out too easily, and you always cared about what other people will say.
You will never be over him. It’s been five years and you’re still smitten. Pathetic. It was your fault you two never had the chance to be together. It wasn’t his fault that you chose the boy who was stable, bright, rich and… ordinary. You thought that’s what you needed. You were so ready to throw everything you two shared then. You just wanted to be friends, that kind of bull. And he bought it. He nursed his heart back into health and pursued a life that has nothing to do with you. And it used to be alright. Yes, you look at him from time to time, feel a certain regret at the deepest corner of your heart, but you manage to ignore it. You believed you two were never meant to be.
It’s been five years since the last time you saw adoration in his eyes when he looked at you. Five years since the last time you shared a mug of black coffee outside his apartment, while the afternoon sun played with the strands of his hair. Five years since you said you two will never be anything else but friends. Five years since he walked away from your life.
You need to let go. You need to forget. You can shed buckets of tears over your own mistakes but it will never change anything. He will never come back to you. You have to stop fooling yourself that the universe will conspire to get you two together again. The universe doesn’t even think you deserve a second chance.
Written by ishda, edited by mananalaysay and first appeared on www.peyups.com on 6th November 2004.