This letter was written with the intention to let your fears subside and let your mind be pacified. I must admit that right now I have no idea as to what you are feeling, simply because I choose not to think about it. My mind is full of other things, things that I think deserve my attention the most. I am sorry if you are as affected as you are, but I cannot do anything about it except write you this letter in the hope that you may understand.
I am alone. I have not found somebody else. Nor do I have any intentions of doing so. I am content living my life on my own, living by myself and thinking of no one but myself and nothing but things that concern myself. No, I am not being self-centered. I just don’t have the capacity to think of other things anymore. My mind is as troubled as my heart and my thoughts as jumbled as my life. And I hope that answers your persistent question as to whether I am missing you or not.
Unlike you, I do not and will not send text messages asking how you are, where you are and what you are doing. It’s not only that I am preoccupied with myself but also because I simply do not want to know. I do not want to think of you. I do not like thinking of you either. So, most of the time, it seems to me as if you don’t exist or that there used to be someone like you, named as you are, in my life. However, you may find some consolation in knowing that I speak of you often and mention you in my many conversations with other people, most especially those who chose to stay even when I was at my worst.
You could have not foreseen that an incident that kept being repeated in the course of many months, the last months of our struggle to keep the relationship, would lead to something like this. Neither did I. Although many other things and people were instrumental in making this possible, your role and your actions were pivotal. It was the turning point. If at times during your musings you happen to think of whose fault it is that we separated, I hope that you remember the night when I came to you and you turned me away crying like the crazy girl that I am. And further, I hope that the words you uttered to me that fateful night will keep on ringing in your ear, serving as a constant reminder that it was your words causing you this pain.
I can stand on my own two feet. Now I really do believe I can. For after all, I had my two feet even before you came along. In fact, I didn’t need an extra pair. I can find my own way to the movies, to the mall, to the restaurant, to my tambayan, and most especially to my house. Now that I think about it, the extra pair of feet that came with the relationship only meant I had to go to more places and mingle with more and more people with still more feet, even to those I had no business with. I realize now that my life is complicated enough as it is and I do not need to concern myself with the intricacies of another person’s life. My own is heavy enough for me to carry. I shouldn’t be putting up annexes.
It may gladden your heart to know that I am doing well. I hope it does anyway. I am coping. My life is less stressful, merely because it is simpler. I need only to think about myself and things somehow turn out fine. I know I will get through this difficult segment of my life and it gives me such pride to think that after this is all over, I will have no one to thank for but myself. Or that if I have a list of people I would have to thank for, it is shorter, simply because it does not include you. If I think this way, can you blame me? You left me when I needed you most.
I do not think of the happy times we had or the good things we shared. The good things do not make up for the horrible, to the point of being pathetic, times I had to go through for you and because of you. Now I find comfort in knowing that it is all behind me now, I will not go through it again and more importantly, I do not have to take it from you. When I think of you, what comes to my mind is that, “Thank God it is over.” I do not think of the good things, because it drags with it memories of the bad. I simply do not think at all anymore. And it suits me just fine.
I have by chance come upon this book by a certain Joshua Harris entitled, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and it is as if there was something other than pure chance that brought this book into my hands. It has changed my way of thinking and I believe, did a lot for my thought-remodeling. I would like to share with you the things that has been pricking my brain. But I guess at some other time.
Written by angkULET, edited by wkt and first appeared on www.peyups.com on 29th October 2003.